So as most of you guys may know I have decided to be a mental health advocate. Mainly because I have so many mental health issues you can’t imagine. The reason I’m writing this blog is that my story will either motivate some to rethink their decision to kill themselves, or to actually go ahead and do it the less painful way. Even though my goal is for us to not attempt suicide again, myself include.
Believe me when I say I know how it feels like when you get to the point of almost dying or wanting to die so badly, as it feels God has given up on you, feels like no family member cares, and as if your existence on the planet is worthless and a waste of time.
Personally, like I mentioned, I have multiple mental diagnoses: Bipolar Depression, Borderline Personality Disorder, and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). First of all let me explain a bit of these shitty illnesses.
Bipolar depression gives you 2 levels of extreme emotions: depression or sadness or the worst feeling ever on earth, and mania. A manic episode is when you are super positive thinking you’re the best in the world and nothing can conquer you in all that. Unfortunately for me my case is Hypo-mania, which means that I have more depressive episodes and very little manic episodes, so you can just imagine.
Now we move to borderline personality disorder. I’m trying to make us understand well the things that cause us to feel so suicidal sometimes. This borderline disorder causes some of us have unstable relationships all the time and we often make rash decisions we cannot turn back later. For instance today you’re madly in love with some guy, the next day he disgusts you when you realize both of you are not compatible. However when we do fall in love for the long term, we are madly in love and people mostly take advantage of that to hurt us, and when we are hurt, as the name implies, its borderline craziness and disappointment springs forth in us. We love and trust too much so we are disappointed and heartbroken too much.
Then lastly we come PTSD. As the name implies, this occurs as a result of past traumatic events that we personally have not been able to get over. They are long memories we have not been able to overcome and they haunt us through our lifetimes when we see, hear, or experience certain circumstances. These can lead to the worst forms of addiction like sex addiction, self-harm addiction, nicotine addiction, cannabis addiction, codeine addiction, etc., just anything pleasurable to create new painful memories in place of the main causes of the PTSD.
Now we know enough about these 3 devils, lets see if they can be solved. You go to the hospital, they offer psychotherapy, medications, or electroconvulsive therapy, and some add praying to their higher power (mine is God, the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit). But my question is, DO THEY WORK? Some few people try one or two of these resources and when they don’t work, they give up and commit suicide, as the last resort! Which is something I have done countless times.
Suicide seems to be the best choice, you die and that’s it, all the troubles go away. But is that how it really works? Is there really no life after death? I’m not talking about the spiritual realm, No! Physically and personally I have attempted suicide 6 times, 2 were almost successful that it shocks me I’m still alive. For some I slit my wrist, some I overdosed paracetamol, some I drank detergent, etc. So now you have an idea I know how you feel and I’ve lived in your soup for years. Some I foamed up, vomited and lay on the bare floor shaking, etc. Unfortunately, or fortunately none of them succeeded. If you see me now my arms are full or suicide and self-scars. I used to hide them but they make me who I am today, so I have stopped hiding them. Due to the constant rate of attempting to slit my wrist I got addicted to self-harming and to the point I couldn’t go out or relax or even sleep without self-harming myself.
Now funny enough, it took me JUST ONE DAY to decide to STOP ATTEMPTING SUICIDE. Let me tell you what happened.
I got admitted at the hospital again just last 3 weeks for attempting suicide, again, sorry not sorry, I was too depressed I just couldn’t think of any other option. Because it was at the Accident and Emergency ward at KATH, my neighbor was a man. Suddenly he stopped breathing! They did numerous CPRs on this man and he wouldn’t get up. Sadly enough, he was in his early forties. This man laid there flat, immovable, and his family begun yelling and crying, as some were on their knees in tears crying, others were throwing away their belongings frantically yelling and crying in addition.
Now I looked at the man and he just laid there peacefully, silent, just lying down. But the family were in chaos all wishing to be killed so they died with him. It was such a scene I had tears in my eyes that I started crying for the family too.
THAT IS WHEN I MADE A DECISION TO CHANGE MY MIND ABOUT SUICIDE, AND I HOPE IT CHANGES YOURS TOO. If this man lying down peacefully was me, my family would be the ones in unimaginable pain, crying and throwing away their belongings and going insane at the hospital while I laid there peacefully. That will be so unfair of us to our families, as they go through this pain forever, whenever they remember us. I wish you were there to see the scene for yourself.
What I want us to know is that no matter what we are going through, there’s help other than suicide. All of us going through all these terrible situations we can’t contain, I pray we create a group all over the world, like Alcoholics and Narcotics Anonymous, where we encourage each other and talk about how we feel, get psychotherapy to see how it can be of help to us. I’m creating a group for us named “Warriors Anonymous” on Whats-App (+233 0551967525). Feel Free to join with the group link and lets support each other.
I Love you all who are going though so much shit with no one understanding us. Let’s not be alone.
By Jill Boafo