Some days you’re good. Normal. You forget all your troubles. You’re motivated, focused, working daily on being better. This is how being stable is. Great right?
Well then the darkness comes. The deep depressive /Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) episode.
This is the time you wish never existed. The time you’re reminded you have a chronic mental illness.
You feel dark, you’re quiet, and you wonder if life is even worth it. You start thinking about death.
You harm yourself with your thoughts and actions. You cut yourself, just a little to see your blood. You begin to self-induce vomiting anytime you eat as you become fat-phobic. You begin seeing satisfaction in seeing your blood flow. It makes you feel alive. Should I cut more, deeper? You keep asking yourself.
Then you get a tiny bit of realization. You begin to ask yourself; why? Why am I this way? Why do I have to go through all this?
Then the next answer you give yourself is another question: Is my life even worth it?
Now you get more sad. No, worse than sad. How can I describe how I feel?
You feel dark, very dark inside, like there is no light at the end of the tunnel after all.
You keep asking yourself; does all this mean I’ll keep feeling this way all my life every now and then? I don’t want to. Now you begin to think; how do I escape all this?
Then you get this answer in your mind; how about death? Seems it’s the only way to escape all this. Should I kill myself? You ask yourself as deep dark thoughts and suicide methods run through your mind.
You think to yourself; you already feel dead inside, there will be no difference to you when you die.
Now you begin thinking about the people who will be very hurt when you die, especially by suicide. But then again what about me, you ask yourself.
You want to be free, you’re tired of feeling this way.
Now you’re asking yourself, should I commit suicide, or there is another way I can escape all the dark feeling that’s growing inside you. What can I do, you ask. You feel you hardly have a choice aside suicide.
There was a time that you would be looking up painless ways to commit suicide online, instead of sitting here writing this. Guess there is some level of improvement, some level of hope now.
But is this hope not pointless though? Seems as long as you live you’ll never be free.
Now you wish you were dead, but another side of you is holding on to the hope that may or may not be pointless.
This darkness, this thick black darkness, is always going to be with you, you keep thinking. Suddenly you feel a strong urge to harm yourself, to cut yourself to make you feel alive again through the pain and seeing your blood flow.
You feel so dead inside, or maybe are you really dead inside?
At this point only sad music calms you down. You feel helpless, not knowing what to do anymore. Your heart kind of wants to live, but your mind is telling you to kill yourself.
Okay how do we kill our self, you begin to think. How about informing family you’re traveling and going to commit suicide there? This will reduce their shock when they initially hear of your death.
Or wait. Maybe there is another possible option.
How about you wait and see? Wait and see what happens. Just wait and see. Now sad music is all that consoles your heart. You find some sad music to listen to loud enough so you don’t hear anything around you.
All this while at the back of your mind you keep asking yourself quietly, why am I like this? Why do I have to go through all this? What have I done to deserve all this? Why can’t I just be stable and have a normal life?
Having a mental illness sucks. Living with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), Bipolar Depression, Severe Depression, Substance Abuse Disorder (SAD), all mental illnesses, they fucking suck…